As many of you probably know, I lost my lovely grandmother on March 10. She lived a full, beautiful life of 89 years, was an amazing mother to five, proudly bragged about her fifteen grandchildren, and was the loving spouse of a devoted husband (my grandpa) for over sixty years. Her passing was not so much a tragedy as the peaceful conclusion of a life well lived, but it has been with great sadness that I've slowly been coming to terms with the fact that one of my biggest fans and role models is no longer just a phone call away.
Losing a loved one while overseas is a very strange grief experience. On one hand, it is easy to be distracted from the initial pain of loss. But on the other, it takes a long time to adjust to the sadness because it is not always present, and so when it breaks through the distraction of your separated environment it is all the more difficult to face. And facing a family death without the physical presence of your family is not ideal, either. Nevertheless, in the past weeks I've been able to reflect on just what an amazing life my grandmother led and how I hope to be blessed with a fraction of the incredible memories and people she enjoyed. I know this is a travel blog, but I hope that you'll consider exploring the journey of my relationship with my grandmother part of the traveling experience. :)
So...what I have learned from my grandmother? In one sentence, I can tell you: She taught me how to be a lady.
HOLD UP! Jennifer Vosters, a lady? Isn't she too tall? Too loud? Too...blonde (in every sense of the word)? Doesn't she go to a women's college? Isn't she supposed to be all-feminist, against-this-old-fashioned-nonsense, being-a-lady-is-conforming-to-gender-roles-and-stereotypes-that-reinforce-the-patriarchal-society?
Yes, I do go to a women's college. Yes, I'm a feminist; you all are too. And I grant that the connotation of "being a lady" might go against the current grain. But that's because the connotation is wrong. (Trust me, I'm an English major. And a woman.) Being a lady doesn't mean sitting in your domestic circle, taking orders from the nearest Y chromosome, serving dinner in smiling silence and reading only the latest edition of Woman's Day. Being a lady means emphasizing humanity while embracing femininity with dignity. Being a lady means putting your best self forward whenever you can. Being a lady means making decisions, taking risks, and aiming high, pushing yourself and pulling others up with you. Basically, being a lady means kicking ass with class. (Sorry for the French, Grandma, but you're worth it.)
I'm proud to say I'm a lady - or at least working towards becoming one. And I'm even prouder to say that my grandmother, throughout nine decades of life, was the epitome of a lady in every way. So let me tell you how.
1. Ladies set goals and achieve them.
Annabelle Van Gilder didn't know how to drive or how to swim when she got married in the early '50s; she didn't learn until much later, in fact. Most people would probably not bother after a certain point. Certainly not after middle age. Especially not swimming. (I mean, what's the point? In Wisconsin, the water's ice for half the year anyway.) But my grandma did. She stuck it out through lessons with a crabby-to-the-point-of-sadistic driving instructor who tried to trick her into failing her driving test. She practiced in the YMCA pool until she was satisfied that she could not only survive but thrive in the water. She didn't get embarrassed at not knowing how to do something - or if she did, she didn't let it stop her. She tried, and she learned, and then she put those skills into practice; she ended up driving some of the prettiest cars I've ever seen (including the one in which I eventually learned how to drive), and she snorkeled in Australia's Great Barrier Reef. Talk about payoff. Take that, Driving Instructor.
2. Ladies are adventurers and risk-takers.
Recently, I saw an old photo of my grandma riding a camel. Yeah. It was pretty awesome to see, but that wasn't even so strange for her. She did some incredible things and took some big risks, especially on the trips she took with my grandpa to places like China, southern Africa, Australia, Jamaica, and the wilds of Canada. Those trips weren't always relaxing, mind you; she went on a safari, spent the night in a tent while wild animals prowled outside, and earned the special attentions of a Masai chief (maybe because of her red hair?). She saw the Forbidden City and trekked the Great Wall; I, who was very small at the time, was terrified she'd get lost, but she apparently wasn't. She didn't let fear or insecurity keep her from taking advantage of incredible opportunities, and she's been a big inspiration for my adventures in Europe this year. She was also one of the people who was most excited for me to go, probably because she knew exactly what wonders were in store.
3. Ladies are polite and respectful.
I'm still in the developing stages of this one, but my grandma was a pro. The worst insult I ever heard her hurl at someone was calling a corrupt politician a "sleazeball," and he wasn't even within earshot. That's not to say she didn't get mad, or frustrated, or offended; it's also not to say she didn't speak her mind, which she certainly did. But for the most part, she knew how to channel negative feelings about someone so nobody got hurt. And I'm sure that's kept many relationships healthy, many interactions positive, and many memories happy.
4. Ladies put their best foot forward when they can.
My mom has told me stories about my grandmother's incredible mothering feats, like feeding seven people with full gourmet dinners every day while still having time to host parties, keep a well-run house, keep track of a menace of a dog, and learn how to do things like drive and swim. I speak for myself knowing that it'd be pretty hard to remain sane - let alone positive - with so much responsibility on my shoulders all the time. But my grandma not only did it all but did it all without complaint. And without a break, for the most part. She put 100% effort into everything she did and still remembered to do it with a smile, to take the time to make herself feel pretty (which is more important than making others think you're pretty), and to do extra special things on the side. She had bad days - she probably had terrible days - but when she could, she did her best. And that's pretty inspiring.
5. Ladies have good taste.
It's true that my grandma had a great fashion sense, was a fantastic cook, and possessed a fine critical eye for literature and film. But she also had great taste in people. She chose her friends wisely and loved them fiercely. She raised her children to respect the values she thought were most important. She gave great advice and did so discerningly, careful to give it right when it was needed. She was choosey in the best sense of the word, spending time on what was good and important while not wasting energy on things that weren't worth her time. This is another area where I think a lot of people (my age especially) should use her as an example. Trust your judgment on what's worth it; it worked out pretty well for her.
6. Ladies know what's important in life.
Closely linked to Number 5, I guess, but worth its own distinction. My grandma not only knew what was important in her life but also knew and respected what was important in others' lives. She never forgot to say her rosaries for tournaments, exams, performances, and other high-stress situations her children and grandchildren might have been facing. She kept tabs on things that interested her loved ones - like football in my brother's case, or the high school newspaper in mine. She remembered birthdays, holidays, and special days. She went to great lengths to look out for her loved ones, including lying sprawled out on the front lawn - in full view of the neighbors - holding a piece of bologna to lure back the same dog that had eaten an entire batch of her blueberry pie...just because her family loved him. She made those around her feel special and attended to. I hope to emulate her more in this generosity of time and attention that she gave without fail.
7. Ladies love.
She had a lot of love to give, and boy, did she give it well. From my earliest memories of her - holding my hand and counting the steps with me so I, with my short toddler legs, wouldn't fall - to my last, as I held her hand before leaving for Europe, my grandma was one of the most unconditionally loving people I've known. Once she decided she liked you, that was it: You were in for life. (Unless your name is Tiger Woods or Brett Favre. They were officially ousted from her good books.) She never, ever, ran out of smiles, kind words, and genuine affection for her loved ones, even through the difficult final months of her life when she couldn't find very many reasons to keep smiling. This is not just the core of being a lady, however; this is the heart of being human. So I guess what I'm trying to say is that in terms of being a human of the highest quality, Grandma, you nailed it.
I'll never be able to repay my grandma, not if she or I lived for a hundred years. But I guess that's another lesson I'm learning because of her: how to accept what you can never repay. I'm so blessed that I can look back on a life as rich and meaningful as my grandmother's as an example for my own, and to do so joyfully. Because the truth is, I know I'm not finished learning from Grandma. I'm not finished looking up to her. I'm not finished loving her, either. And do you know what? I don't think she's finished loving me either.
So until we meet again, Toowah, I know you'll be helping that road rise up to meet me, keeping the wind ever at my back, with the sun shining warm upon my face and the rain falling softly upon my fields. I know you'll put in a good word so God will keep me in the palm of Her hand, and I know you'll be keeping me in the palm of yours, as well.
Addio, e ci vediamo. :)
What a moving, beautifully written toast to your Grandma. :) Loved it and we can clearly see the love you had for her. HUGS!
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